FALL

Leaves are changing already. PBS at one point in time informed me that the leaves change as a way of the tree preserving itself as its water supply has been depleted and it needs to shed the leaves in order to survive and bloom again in the summer. So depletion of vital resources requires the short term shedding of adornment and stuff of the like so that survival is ensured. So this fall I have shed a lot. Wallpaper, friends, stuff in the basement, and soon the plant whose death I have refused to come to terms with. I love you baby I admit I killed it.
So nature is not static so why has my self concept been? It has changed a bit here and there but mostly nudged along by external forces. The bonfire, new job, or the kids growing up and comfort has reduced my internal striving for a better understanding of self my relationship with the world in which I live. No worries anyone I am not planning a tree fort to live in so I can be closer with nature or a long term stay on a commune so I can feel the oneness of it all. My electric toothbrush would never be accepted at the commune initiation rite; I so adore the toothbrush. It is like having a little dentist living in my bathroom just waiting, waiting to brush my teeth in the most hygienic manner possible. No commune.
So many meaningful pursuits have left me questioning the reason why I am pursuing them in the first damn place. More than that though, am I getting closer or further away from the person that I want to be? So everything changes and nothing remains constant. So if there is no standing still why am I?
Tonight Caiti goes to art lessons and Chris and I will head off for a cub scout meeting. Meaningful pursuits for the development of children will not be questioned in this examination of self. Why I have not gotten to the post office and mailed the necklace Caiti made for my Mom will be. I did mail a picture today so I will give credit for that. But really the post office is only three miles away. I could shed some of my fall foliage by walking my ass down there. Until I can perfect the star trek transport system (come on my kids shoes have wheels built in……must keep hope it will arrive on Amazon in time for Christmas) I must suck it up and go to the antiquated post office place.
Goals for tomorrow!
1. Suck it up and go to the stupid post office
2. Finally remove the carcass of the rubber plant and stop deluding myself into thinking it can be saved, keep the planter, it’s nice and can be reused.
3. Finish research paper without a panic attack
4. Finish reading the book on St. Francis of Assisi that I have ignored for three weeks because after his death it got really, really boring – STARTED IT – FINISH IT
5. Finally order a big fat copy of my favorite wedding picture.


SINCE WRITING THIS RANT LAST NIGHT FIRST TWO OBJECTIVES HAVE BEEN MET!!!!